Addressing Why Some Men Are Afraid To Date a Single Mother

I participate on okcupid’s forums. There are always some interesting topics to read and get a good laugh about, meanwhile there are also plenty of topics that are insightful and full of truth and wisdom. I have read some comments over the past few days over several threads that had to do with men saying they would or would not date a single mother.

Today I was reading an older post called “guys would you date a single mother” and here are some responses out of the 100+ the thread has received. I have decided to address their comments to help both men interested in possibly dating single mothers and to help single mother also understand these fears men have for dating them.

There are a lot more negatives than positives in dating a single mom. The most important is how involved is the father in the kids life, and how involved is he in the mom’s life? If the father is pulling strings in the background that negatively affect my relationship, I’m not interested.

I ignore profiles that say things like “My kids will always be first in my life, deal with it” which I interpret to mean “I view love as a competition” which gives me some idea why they’re single in the first place. A relationship requires teamwork, not a bunch of people one-upping each other for another person’s affection.

I’m more accepting of someone who actually had some sort of plan in place before they had children. If someone got married, waited a few years to have a couple of kids, and the marriage didn’t work out, I figure they at least had their shit together before their lives went to hell.

The part the catches me about this comment is the part that I have bolded. This actually came up several times in the thread. Men don’t like it and even I, a single mother think is is total crap and if you’re one of those single mother’s who say this then you need to work on that. I am not saying neglect your children or anything like that, I am saying that in any relationship; even if you were still married to your children’s father; your spouse needs to be equally important. if not; even more important. The thing is you don’t have to spell it out for the world with an attitude of my kids always come first like you are some self righteous wench. Men already know that mothers love and care for their children and that its often instinctual to do so. But make the effort to make a man feel important and he will be more liekly to be accepting of your family unit.

Were I dating, I know I wouldn’t date someone with a child. In that situation, I have responsibilities not only to the mother, but to the child ,as well. I’m not mentally prepared to be a parent; as much as I look forward to having kids eventually, the thought of being a dad right now scares the crap out of me.

This guy is smart. He’s only 25 years old so it is understandable that he feels he is not ready to take part in any father role right now. This is totally justified and I can respect him for recognizing he is not ready for this.

The worst part for me would be if I actually liked the kid. I’d hate to get attached to a child then feel weird about checking up on em if it didn’t work out with the mother.

I can understand this fear and this is why I feel it is best to not introduce your child to a man unless it is getting serious. At least not until 4-6 months into being in a monogamous relationship with someone. So many foolish single moms introduce their kids to a man too early on. I feel its best to not let my even know I date at all. When the right man comes in my life and I feel it is serious i.e. I am falling in love with him then I will introduce my son to him.

I think the only drawback is if you’re expected to immediately step into a SuperDad-substitute role that very few can pull off well at all, let alone at the last minute. The only way it would be a major turn-off would be if she kept it a secret.

It seems that an overwhelming bulk of single men feel that they will be thrown into a father role immediately. I personally would not put this pressure on anyone I was dating and even if I was in a serious relationship with a man; I still am the parent and I wouldn’t expect him to take on parental roles other than to support me emotionally or if he really wanted to be active with a parental role. My son already has a father and he doesn’t need an instant replacement. I think most single woman feel this way so men; stop being so fearful about this!

Yes, of course. Most of the women in my age range are divorced and have kids so refusing to date them is just stupid. Limits the options.

This is true. the poster was 38 years old. I would say that most of single women in their 30’s are going to be divorced with children.

Yeah.. I think if you meet the right person, it doesn’t matter what baggage they carry with them.

This was made by a 26 year old man. He is wise even if he called the kids “baggage”. lol Props to him for being accepting of a single mom with kids as a whole package.

Dating a single mom is really similar to taking a mom on a date. That is, your future kids’ mom. I think this is a maturity barometer.

I think that is a great way to look at things! This poster is 31 years old.

i would deffintally date a single mom. they seem to attract me more than other girls for some reason. could be that i just love kids or that a mom usually dont play around or cheat

I wouldn’t say that a single mom wouldn’t cheat because single moms don’t necessarily make them dating or marriage material to begin with. That would be unfair to say that single moms wouldn’t cheat just as it would be unfair to say that men who own BMWs are all rich. but I do agree that single moms tend to be a bit smarter about relationships. They can recognize when they have found a good man that is accepting of their children and willing to have a relationship with them despite it all. Once they have that, they are least likely to throw it all away for a fling.

I used to think that I wouldn’t date a woman with kids, but a while I back, I met the most amaaaazing girl. She was realllly really nice, very smart, into the same shit i’m into, SUPER HOT, you know, the works. One of those kinds of girls that just don’t happen very often. The type you’re lucky if you see maybe 5 times in your lifetime. Chances are, they’re already taken. This one had two kids. But I didn’t care because she was just so incredible. She wasn’t looking for a father, and I didnt mind being around them, as long as I didnt have to take care of them, you know?

I think if someone likes you for you, the kids don’t really make a difference.

I love this guy’s answer and he is only 24. he made it all about her. that she was like his perfect match and that he wouldn’t let the fact she had children be a reason to turn away.

I’ve gone out with a couple of single mothers before, and I’ve found the experience frustrating. The trouble is that they spend about 50-75% talking about their kids. And if they are a good mother, then their kids will be on the front of their minds at all times, but I’m much more interested in getting to know you more than your kid (at least, for the first date). If I like you and want to continue seeing you on a regular basis, then I’ll worry about getting involved in your child’s life (with your approval of course). Of course, this is not even beginning to factor in poss drama issues with the father. Bottom line, I’m not against it, but I’m not conciously going after single mothers in my choice of women.

This is interesting and this never would have crossed my mind. I consider myself a good mother and I love my son to death but when I am on a date, i don’t make it a point to talk about my son at all. Dates are your time to shine. You only get one shot so you gotta either make up your mind to get really deep into conversation with this man because you like him and want to know him or you find nothing interesting to talk about because you want the date over with. But just I didn’t know this was an issue I thought I would repost this so other single moms could learn from it.

I hope you learned something from today’s post or at least found it intriguing. I know I have always been curious about mens thoughts on dating a single mom and most of their fears were what I already thought they feared the most: being instant responsible for a parental role and not getting enough quality time with the mom.

I haven’t dated many single dads but perhaps I need to look more into that!

Related posts:

1. Single Mom Is Back On Okcupid Dating Site