In the dating world, it is far too easy to compile a list of unrealistic qualities or traits that a person must posses in order for you to deem them to be date worthy. Often times we will have a list of physical traits that a person must posses but oh yeah, not only must they be model gorgeous and have a hot body to match but they must also not be a slut, earn X amount of dollars a year, have a PhD, travel to 3rd world countries to help build water pipes to bring fresh water to villages oh and they must want to have kids and be able to produce beautiful, perfect offspring. Now while some of those things might be super important to you and may seem like deal breakers, is it realistic? Is your list realistic?
As a single mom approaching my biological prime for child bearing years, I can honestly say that my list still has some physical must haves such as I prefer a man to be taller than me but I seem to have more spiritual and emotional traits that I want a man to have.
I recently read Patti Stanger’s book Become Your Own Matchmaker: 8 Easy Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate
and throughout her book, she helps you collaborate a list that has a final set of 5 must-haves. So you pretty much start off with a list of 25 things you want in a mate and then over the process of your list making you are able to identify 5 things you are not willing to settle for. I think this list is crucial for dating. Otherwise, if you continue to walk around with such an unrealistic list in your head, you will end up being alone the rest of your life.
So, I built my list about a week ago and identified that even though I value a beautiful smile and a man that has a full head of hair, those were things did not take over precedence on my top list of 5 things. But, I did have “taller than me” land on #5 on my list so whether I want to try and pretend that I am not shallow, that physical trait pops up time and again so it must be important and should not be ignored. So even for those times when I have told myself “well maybe I could date a man that was the same height as me”..nuh uh! I should not ignore one of my key desires in a mate. Yes, it may seem shallow to some but its what I really desire in a mate and no sense in wasting my time with someone that does not posses that single important trait. Its not something a person can change unlike weight. It’s the same as preferring a person with brown hair over blond, its just a preference.
After creating this list, Patti suggests that you laminate this list and carry it around in your purse and she says that if a man wants to ask you out and does not have this “must-haves” do not even waste his time. Do not give him your number and do not meet him for even a cup of coffee.
I decided to go back and look at the men on my favorite dating sites and try to find men that had these 5 qualities and look at nothing else. I mean, sure I was going to look at their photos because I do believe there has to be some attraction but this time I was not going to rule out whether or not that guy was bald or had red hair (2 of my least desirable physical traits) but I was going to simply look for my 5 must-haves which are:
- 1.) wants to get married (not this minute but it needs to be in the next few years)
- 2.) must want kids
- 3.) a Christian
- 4.) faithful
- 5.) taller than me
I entered these things into the advanced search mode on my favorite dating site and stumbled upon a man named Martin. Now, I had seen his profile picture a million times but never browsed his profile. Why? Because his profile photo featured him with long hair and a goatee (I am not a fan of facial hair) and normally I prefer a business cut type of man but lately I find myself becoming more attracted to men with longer hair, So Martian normally wouldn’t have fit the type of person I would initially be drawn to but as I looked over his profile, he intrigued me. He is handsome, likes to hike (which I do too) and he has a nice smile and according to his profile enjoys being with his family. So I did break Patti’s rule about not contacting men first. I sent him an ice breaker and he responded with a message which proved he had paid for a membership to communicate with me and I had to pay for a full membership in return to communicate back with him.
So we shall see if anything comes from this.
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