I ask of you; my fellow readers this simple question. Is it creepy to date someone with the same name as your ex? I decided to renew my membership at Match.com after a 2 year hiatus just because I got a discount off a 3 month subscription and I have definitely come to the conclusion from trying out free sites that pay sites are going to have men that are serious about finding love. No man is going to pay a monthly membership just to try and get some cheap sexy phone talk out of it. So if they are paying a monthly fee, you can guarantee they aren’t messing around.

Anyhow, lastnight a man named Lance contacted me. When I first saw his username which had “Lance” included in part of it, my first thought was “you’ve got to be kidding?!”. But he wasn’t and his name really is Lance. I actually am not concerned about what other people would think if we actually dated but I am concerned on how he would take it. Its pretty unusual to end up with someone that has the same name and especially that name. I have never met another Lance (although 3 yrs ago a Lance contacted me on a dating site and I quickly dismissed the idea because of his name).

This time I am not turned off by the idea that he has the same name because he seems to have so many qualities that I am drawn to. He seems real honest and kind. He looks nothing like my ex either. He is taller, blond with blue eyes and 2 years younger. So its not like I would be concerned with people thinking “Oh she’s just trying to get another Lance”. Did I actually just think and say that outloud? That’s crazy!

I called my two closest male friends today and spoke with another on IM about it. 2 out of the 3 think it is a total turn off and the other one says it would make no difference to him (his name is common though so it is likely to happen to him). 1 of them was totally against it and does not want me to even pursue him and to just move on because he thinks its really bad “ju-ju”. The two other men think I do need to tell him as soon as possible and feel it is best to do so in person so I can see his reaction. I agree that I should tell him in person. I am not sure if this is first date talk appropriate or not. But I wouldn’t hide it. I figure if we meet first adn then i tell him, perhaps chemistry will win him over versus something like this.

So…what do you think about this?

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Last night my ex returned to drop off my son from his weekend stay and I told him I needed to talk to him. So I talked to him about the candy he had received from his fiance’s girls. For his birthday they bought him 3 movie sized boxes of candy, a Pez dispenser which they also gave him pez candy refills that contained about 10 packs and a long roll of bubblegum balls. I wanted to find out for sure whether or not he was allowing our son to eat that kind of junk because candy is a treat in my house. Like a once a week treat. Especially since children are more prone to getting cavities and my son has already had quite a bit of dental work done because of my previous ignorance to dental hygiene for kids.

After he assured me that he doesn’t let our son have candy often we then talked about some other matters like the property taxes that is coming up. During this conversation he said “Babe, I already transferred the money”. He used to call me “babe” often and even more so than my actual name. So for that reason I can see why the slip up. I pretended to not hear it and I am sure he was wishing that I missed it. It makes me wonder how often he has called his past girlfriends my name with a slip of the tongue. I mean if he can call me a term of endearment even though we have been apart 4 years, I am certain when he has gotten upset with his past girlfriends he more than likely called them my name.

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I went to visit my parents this past weekend so that we could celebrate my son’s birthday at his favorite place in the world; John’s Incredible Pizza Co. I can see why he loves it. There is so much for kids to enjoy there. They have bumper cars, a ferris wheel, a bouncing drop-type ride, laser tag, virtual bowling and a ton of videogames. Not to mention they have a buffet with about 20 types of pizza. Some of them sound absolutely disgusting though, like macaroni and cheese pizza and peanut pizza in which the decor ontop of the pizza is just a plain peanut still in its shell.

Whenever I visit my parents I feel a torment of emotions. I am happy to be with them and around my family but I am also reminded of how much alone I am. We watched “Fireproof” and that movie was a bitter pill to swallow. It was the story of my marriage. Kirk Cameron was playing my ex and his wife was me to the “T”. I cried so much during that movie, not so much because the movie was really moving but because I couldn’t have the “fireproof” ending. Instead I am sitting here blaming God on why didn’t he perform a miracle in the lives of my ex and I;  instead I have to deal with feelings of confusion on what God wants me to do

I don’t think about my ex much these days and I certainly don’t ponder on any olf flames for him but EVERYTIME I visit my family now, it seems I dream of him non-stop and then he is off and on my mind the rest of the weekend. He is engaged…yes I am aware of this. I just can’t explain it. It makes me hesitate about even going down to visit again in a few weeks for my nieces birthday just so I can avoid in more confusion a weekend of dreams will bring. Why can’t I just meet Mr. Right?

Then there was the phone conversation I had lastnight with my ex’s mother. She still is not accepting of this new relationship my ex has and she basically told me that her and her family continue to pray that God will bring us back together. As much as I would love to believe that God can do miracles, and I know he can, I just feel like this one is a lost cause. We are just two very different people…and more so now.

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Last night I was browsing my favorite dating site and within a minute I received a message answering my ice breaker message that I have on my profile. My ice break question is “What celebrity do you think I look like?”.

It all started about 3 years ago when a friend on a forum said that I looked like Eva Mendes. I totally blew it off and laughed about it until I went on a date with a guy and he said “I don’t want this to like go to your head or anything but you  kinda look like Eva Mendes.” So after getting those 2 comments I figured it couldn’t just be a line. Anyhow, that ice breaker has lead to about 10 random men messaging me and all answering with Eva Mendes.

Anyhow, so this 23 yr old responds, his name is Jason by the way, and he answers “Eva Mendes, am I right?”. So we go abck and forth talking about that topic for a bit and then he says “So my age doesn’t bother you?” Now, YOU know how I really feel about this subject. Younger men scare me. They still do and still will. 10 years younger definitely concerns me but I’ve been single for quite sometime now and I need to stop prejudging men just for their age but my main concern is maturity. yes, yes I am fully aware that age doesn’t make a man and that there are plenty of 20 year olds far more mature than most 30 year olds…blah, blah, blah. I get it but somehow my conscious just won’t let me get past the thought that most are probably going to be immature.

He starts with “so tell me about your relationship with your ex because my last relationship didn’t sit well with me and her relationship with her ex”. So I begin to give him the details on how my ex is engaged and that we are civil to one another etc. He then sorta spurts out how it sits uneasy with him that I am close to my son’s grandmother (the ex’s mother). Little red flags start to go off as he tells me this. Like he would want me to decide between a man and my son’s grandmother, only in not so many words. I am not best friends with my ex’s mother but I will always maintain a respectful relationship with her. So what if she asks my son and I to go out for lunch once every few months. So what if she still sends me birthday cards and gives me presents at Christmas. She stands by the fact that no matter what has happened between her son and I, I will always have a place in her heart. She cares for my well being like that of her own daughter. yes, the new wife is going to have hard shoes to fill. Especially when she has already put my son’s life in danger and announces an engagement after a 2 month relationship. Of course that is all going to sit uneasy with her. In her eyes I was the one that was “done wrong to”.

We are close but we are not best friends that chat all the time and hang out all the time. When I pick up my son from a visit with her we do chat. Sometimes she asks if I am dating anyone because she is concerned foe me but that is about the end of personal conversations. There is no way I would cut off my son’d grandmother just because some guy didn’t like that I was still cordial and friendly to an ex’s family member. That right there is immature. The only person I would care to cut off is a person who started prohibiting whom I can and can’t talk to. Simple as that!

I dodn’t go off on him about it but I did tell him “She is my son’s grandmother and she is family and I don’t plan on changing my relationship with her”. He merely responded with “i see and does that mean I am out of the running now”. I’m not sure about this guy and because I am not sure, I should probably forget him before things got complicated.

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I’m afraid to admit this. It’s pretty frightening to throw this out there because I fear what it really means and what other people would think of me. While I was down visiting my parents and family over the Thanksgiving holiday. I dreamt about my ex three nights in a row. I would wake up in the middle of the dreams and I would shake it off and fall back asleep only to engage back into the dream of my ex.

These weren’t just any dreams either. They were full blown intimate dreams! So I decided to do some research. According to a dreamcrowd.com; having sex with an ex means:

Sex – Dreaming of your own sexuality signifies the secrets and meaning of life. It also means I am afraid of losing sex appeal. pfft! Yea right!

Ex – Dreaming of getting back together with an ex-husband suggests that I am involved with someone currently (may not be romantically) that is bringing up similar feelings I had in the relationship with the ex. It’s a reminder of things that went wrong in that relationship so that I can avoid them in a new or current one. (Which I will remind you I am not seeing anyone right now.) But ultimately having an ex in your dream alerts you to realize that you are in a situation that you do not wish to be in. (Ok this sounds good, very good still.) Finally, having an ex in a dream can also mean that you have x’ed out aspects of yourself. (Ok, that could be true. Especially with me hitting my 2 year mark of celibacy!)

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This needs to be done! It’s time.

Reasons why I am glad to not be with my ex-husband anymore:

1.) He has ADHD and makes it too difficult to hold conversations with him. I would have to make sure he isn’t watching TV, reading a book, looking at a magazine, eating, sleeping, breathing.

2.) If he stubs his toe the entire neighborhood also now knows how much it hurt him and the neighborhood kids have just now learned new ways to use the “F word”.

3.) He goes off and buries his face in a book at family functions instead of socializing with family. (Man I hated that.)

4.) He has a fit if his syrup isn’t hot. He will send it back to the waitress until it is hot.

5.) He’s selfish. He will put his needs above all else. One time our baby was crying because he was hungry and he refused to feed him because he said he himself was starving and needed to eat first.

6.) He’s selfish in bed.

7.) He’s a sex addict. He was diagnosed a few years into our marriage and it made it so hard.

8.) He has anger issues and throws things and growls when he is mad.

9.) He cheated on me.

10.) Did I mention he cheated on me?

Ok now the real reason why I posted this. I found out today he is engaged to a woman he has only been seeing for 2 months. You’d think he would take his time before rushing into marriage. When we first separated he was adamant about not ever getting married again. Now all of a sudden he changes his mind.

This does not sit easy with me. No, I do not want him back. haven’t you been following my blog long enough to know that’s not it. Yes, deep down I am still hurt about how he did me wrong but I know I am better off. I know God has a good man for me out there. It might be Mike and it might not. All I know is I can foresee him going through divorce #2 if he isn’t straight up honest with her about his sex addiction. That problem needs to be nipped in the bud now before it grows into a real problem.

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I was grocery shopping on Monday evening after a long day of school and I ended up bumping into the wife of my ex’s best friend. Gossip within our then; network of friends was horrid. I just knew how this was gonna go. She was surprisingly pleasant but she said something that has been bugging me for two nights now. She said my ex had said “Yea, I messed up” in regards to our marriage ending.

My ex has never said anything remotely close to that. He has never expressed nor even hinted any sort of remorse or apology. In his eyes he did no wrong. He claims to have never actually cheated on me; which is total BS. She flew out here 1 week before I found out about them and he expects me to believe they never kissed nor slept together???

I’m not even sure this woman said it just to make conversation and be polite or if he really said it.

Now don’t take all this as I am hoping he’ll tell me “Baby I made a bad mistake, I love you and wanna be with you” type of stuff. I know he has moved on and so have I. (It’s been 3 years.) I just want him to own up to it and tell me “I’m sorry I hurt you”. I just want an apology that I know will never happen. It’s just a thought and that’s why it was bothering me. Like I said, she may have just threw that in to make conversation.

Ever just felt like an apology was owed to you and never got it?

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I can’t help but think how unfair life has been to me compared to my ex. He is in his 3rd relationship in the 3 years we’ve been divorced. He has never been alone for more than 2 weeks. I can’t help but get annoyed by the fact that I am still single and have not had any sort of relationship that has lasted past 3 months since.

To be fair I also have not been on a date since August 2007. I’m latina with a decent body. I’m not too fat and not too skinny. I could definitely afford to lose 30-40 pounds (which I have been working on). I get told from numerous men on Myspace and okcupid that I am “hot” or “cute”. I’m not a golddigger nor do I feel a man has to be a perfect 10 (I’d definitely settle for a high 7. Nah in all seriousness, i just expect to be attracted to him.) I must not be all that bad, right?

I get impatient and I feel like dating online just isn’t worth it. I am just waiting for the right man to message me and that I end up feeling instant chemistry with him…yad, yada, yada. I know this is very unlikely to happen and yet I am holding out for it.

I know my biggest barrier is the fact that I am looking for an attractive man whom also believes in God and is on the same spiritual level as me. That just knocked out about 95% of the available men within a 500 mile radius of me. *sigh*

I started my internship today at a Pedontist office. I couldn’t help but notice that all the DA’s are adorable and married. Even the fat, moustached female DA is married. I’m cute dammit!

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In a moment of relapse I decided to Google my ex’s email address. I’m glad I did. For whatever reasons last night’s talk with him actually had me think for a brief moment “what if he still cared for me”. I actually thought for a few seconds “maybe in a few months we could become closer again”. Then I see some of the sites he has profiles on. All are adult sites. I literally began to feel my dinner about to come up. He has spiraled even deeper into his sexual addiction.

No way in hell would I want to try and be with him again I pity him and it’s obvious we definitely don’t feel the same way about life and what’s in store. He’s living in the moment and I am living in the what may come.

I crave a meaningful relationship filled with love, joy and happiness. Someone to be by my side until the end. Now that I had this quick slap on the face I can proceed once again with my dating ventures.

On another note I bought an amazing sugar scrub from Bath & Body Works in Black Currant Vanilla scent.

It’s part of their aromatherapy line. It’s to heighten your sensuality. It smells amazing and feels even more amazing. It’s an exfoliating scrub but it also moisturizes the skin.

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Four weeks after the fact, my ex actually tells me tonight that him and the whore broke up. (Yes, I call his gf a whore.) Let me give you a little background on this.

My ex and I were high school sweethearts. We were each other’s “first love” and first sexual encounter. We married young. I was 20 and he was 21. 5 years into our marriage I gave birth to our son. Two years after my son was born, my ex decided to leave our 8 year marriage for a woman he played an online video game with, whom was also married and lived in Texas. They have been together for the past 2 1/2 years.

Anyhow, back to tonight. He arrives to pick up our son for the weekend and decides to start up an interesting conversation.

Him: So I have something of interest for you
Me: Hmm?
Him: Well, Karen and I broke up
Me: And why would this interest me?
Him: shrugs Well I dunno
Me: Oh because I hate her?
He laughs.
Me: Lance, I never hated you.
Him: I know
Me: I just hated her and was hurt by the way things went down. Had it been anyone else after the fact, I would have been happy for you.
Him: Yea
Me: sarcasticaly Well for what it’s worth, I’m sorry to hear that.
Him: I know. Well anyhow, I couldn’t leave him motioning to our son and she didn’t want to move here.

After he left and I closed the door behind him, I stood there frozen in my tracks. Questioning as to why would he tell me this. Did he have some secret motive? Perhaps trying to see a reaction of jealous rage or to see if I would be so cold to him indicating I could never forgive him?

His mother still has high hope that we will get back together. I could never be second choice though. He chose her over me. He chose her over our family. On several holidays including father’s day 2 years in a row, he chose her over our son. I dunno what to think of all this. Deep down I know I have enough capacity to fall in love with him all over again but in the 2 1/2 years we have been apart, I have come to realize he never was the man I hoped he would be.

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