Oh boy, I totally thought the drama was going to be over with after Wednesday when Shawn’s ex-girlfriend sent me a friend request on Facebook. It was eating me up still as to why she added me on Facebook. Then I was checking my Facebook feed and noticed a friend had posted an article to how people can be missing messages received in their inbox when a person messages you and is not currently a friend. To view such messages, Facebook files them under “Other”. So I checked out my “Other” messages and I had a few in there. Bam! Three received from his ex-girlfriend and then another two from her best friend.

Apparently she started messaging me back in the beginning of November when Shawn and I had already been exclusive for a few weeks. She said that they have been sleeping together this entire time and that she thought I should know that she has become the other woman and that she knows she should cut ties with him but she can’t because she is in love with him and she feels incomplete without him.

Whoa! Wait a second!! Could this be true?? Could my Shawn possibly be sleeping with his ex-girlfriend; the woman he told me he couldn’t trust and whom he had dumped because he saw text messages in which she was sexting her ex-boyfriend???? Yea….her messages were very convincing and I my insecurities were already on high alert because of her trying to add me to Facebook just two days ago (the same day she sent her last message to me). I admit, at first I freaked out and started crying.

She said in a 2nd message that she had drove 2 1/2 hours up to his work and brought him coffee and Chinese food and claims they had sex. Shawn did tell me about her showing up at his work with the coffee and Chinese food that day. It was during that conversation in which I told him I would not feel comfortable with him contacting her anymore even if it was just friendliness on his behalf because she is mistaking his “niceness” for interest in her and a hope of getting back together. I told him her actions are not speaking of a friend but rather of her being in love with him still. So he was honest and told her he was wrong about them being friends, they just can’t and he had not spoken to her since. So even though they have been broken up for 5 months, really to her it only feels like it’s been a few weeks since he now has cut off all contact with her. I feel she was still in love with him because of having daily contact with him via text messages. So to her, there was no real cut off and she explained how over the 5 months she felt he and her were getting closer. Really???? You thought you were getting closer when Shawn has been in town every weekend, spending all day with me from early morning and then taking me out at night in which he would then come back to my place and hang out until 2 am most nights. Really??? You think that there was some quality time he was spending with you during those weekends??? I don’t even see how he could cram you in his schedule because the man would be falling asleep on me at 2am so he would go to his sister’s down the street to sleep and then be up bright and early back at my house for an 8:00am rendezvous.

The thing about all this is that Shawn has been completely honest and forth coming with information about it. I never checked up on him and asked him about her, he would just bring it up in normal conversation how she texted him a particular day and has been telling him she is still in love with him etc. His only fault in all this was being nice to his ex-girlfriend. Too nice! And I never agreed with his beliefs on it and sadly, he now knows it’s not a good idea. This is a first for this extreme drama in which an ex is accusing him of sleeping with her still. He says that he never expected her to be like this but I told him that when women become desperate, they do things out of the norm. The pattern I have noticed from all of this is that she messaged me on Facebook every-time there was a conversation with Shawn in which he would tell her that they cannot talk or be friends. I know this by looking at the dates in which she messaged me.

Her final message was stating that we both love him for very different reasons and that he continues to play with her heart, sleeping with her and telling her he is still in love with her but scared to be together. She said she is a God fearing woman and has given this over to God and hopes I can forgive her.

So what does Shawn have to say about all this?

Shawn’s first reaction was “And you believe her?” He said “She has been trying to get back with me since we broke up. My faults in all of this was that I did sleep with her post break-up until I met you and that I still hung out with her as friends up until the beginning of October. It also doesn’t help that we have known each other for 14 years and that I was still building up her self-esteem by telling her she looked nice etc. Obviously this all bit me in the butt and apparently I shouldn’t have been friendly with her and instead I should have just been downright nasty with her.”

Shawn and I had a conversation last week when we talked about another ex-girlfriend recently adding him to Facebook. He said “I am a God fearing man. If I was up to something shady, God would uncover the sin and I have complete faith that if you were also up to no good, God would also reveal it. So what we have to do is trust one another.” I agreed with him then and I agree with him now.

He then said “It’s tough because I know you are thinking “Is this God intervening and splitting up something that is not to be or is it Satan destroying something that is meant to be?”

I told him that God always confirms things. he is faithful that way, so if I ask for confirmation either way, He will give it to me.

Shawn just said “Ok babe”.

A few minutes later he texted me asking if I was ok and did I want for him to come see me after work the next day (today). “You are the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. I’m willing to do what it takes to show you I don’t want to lose you.”

I sent him a rather cold response telling him to do what he wanted that I wouldn’t oppose seeing him and in fact I needed to look into his eyes when we talk.

A few minutes later he responded with “Should we just go our separate ways? You’ve already told me you don’t want to stick around in a relationship where red flags are flying.”

I told him this needed to be discussed on the phone or in person and not thru text messages.

About 20 minutes later he was off work and called me right away. He said “so now we’re at a cornerstone where we have to decide what to do. I’ve been in your place, I’ve been on the side where stuff came up about my current girlfriend and I didn’t trust her at all. I didn’t trust her the remainder of the relationship and it ended it. It doesn’t matter what I say, the bottom line is that you aren’t going to trust me anymore and I don’t want that. I want you to be able to trust me but obviously I don’t have any surveillance. I hope my word is enough. I know trust is hard to rebuild if not, it’s practically impossible so you have to decide do you want to trust me and move on continuing this path of our relationship, do you want to take a step back and just be cautious or do you want to split while we’re still fresh at all this?”

There was a moment of silence and I said “Shawn, I’m gonna trust you. I don’t know why I trust you but I do. Maybe it’s because I have seen your integrity as a man, a boyfriend and a father. maybe it’s because you have been honest with me and volunteered all of this information to me as it happened. It’s almost as if God was preparing me for the drama. Like you would tell me how one day she was texting you, telling you she loves you and wants you back and then you would tell her not to contact you anymore and then came the crazy messages on Facebook to me those same nights.

I’ve been cheated on twice now. By my ex-husband and my last boyfriend, Josh. Both times I had my intuition nagging at me telling me something wasn’t right yet I chose to ignore it twice. I honestly don’t feel any sort of nagging going on that she might be telling me the truth.

Shawn’s final actions and words have helped bring me some comfort .

1.) Shawn didn’t ask for me to forward the messages to him. I think that anyone who was cheating would be curious as to exactly what details were being given away.

2.) If you really want to, go ahead and contact her. I told him “I don’t want to talk to her. I want nothing to do with her!” This is crazy talk. A cheater wouldn’t suggest this either.

3.) Does she really think I would go back to her after all this? She honestly thinks that if she was successful at breaking us up that I would want to go back to her??? After she just ruined the best thing that has happened to me and basically ruined my life???

4.) She degraded herself, there is no chance for a reunion. I know this makes me sound like a jerk but after we broke up I still slept with her. When we did sleep together after the break-up, I thought less of her because I started to wonder if this is how she acted with all of her exes and how many other exes is she sleeping with now.

5.) Do you want me to delete all my exes off Facebook? I’ll do whatever you want me to do. I told him “You know, at this point I think I would prefer you did. I don’t want to deal with this sort of drama anymore and I would prefer if you block her now. He said “No problem. I promise you, I won’t respond to her texts anymore.”

So I am choosing to believe him until God gives me further confirmation not to trust him.

Shawn and I were enjoying our evening phone conversation and had only been on the phone for about 10 minutes when I heard my phone notify me of an email but I ignored it because I wanted to enjoy my conversation with Shawn. We talked for nearly two hours and at the last 10 minutes Shawn decides to tell me that there was a bit of drama regarding his sister and his ex girlfriend the past 2 nights.

Apparently his sister had a run-in with his ex-girlfriend and within minutes, the ex started crying to Shawn’s sister about how much she still loves him and how hard this is. He then proceeded to tell me how she was texting him all night prior to him calling me in which she was saying:

“I am still so in love with you”

“I realize now how much I messed up”

“We are so good together”

“This is so hard for me to deal with”

Shawn said he debated on answering her back or ignoring her. He said about 20 long messages later, he responded telling her to lose his number and that he already stated he couldn’t talk to her anymore.

I trust Shawn and during this conversation it came up that I did trust him. We said good night and hung up. I checked my phone and was shocked to see a notification of “Jennifer XXXX wants to be friends on Facebook”.

And coincidentally another woman added me at the same time. Right away I texted Shawn telling him his ex-girlfriend that he just talked about with me, tried to add me to Facebook and asked if he recognized the name of the other woman. He confirmed he knew it was his ex’s best friend. I immediately blocked them both. Shawn apologized and just said “What are those crazy girls up to?”

I explained to him that we women are curious about the new woman that replaces us. We want to know if they are uglier, prettier, thinner or fatter than us. I told him that on Facebook, when you either send a message to someone or send a friend request, you get treated like a friend of the person’s profile which grants you temporary access to view everything that their friends are allowed to see. So she was able to see all my photos, wall posts and friends. He apologized again for it and we went to bed.

All day today I have felt totally violated, afterall it took me two hours after she had sent the request last night to receive it which gave her 2 hours to run crazy reading every post I had tagged Shawn in, check-ins with him or photos of us. She now knows that we are going to be staying in a cabin in the snow in February.

She Facebook stalked me. I didn’t invite this woman into my life. I didn’t invite her to get to know me, to know my likes and dislikes and I certainly didn’t invite her to check out my photos which some feature my son. She pried her way into my life like a stupid high school teen playing stupid high school drama.

I told Shawn that my concern is that if she hasn’t gotten over him after 6 months, how long is she gonna continue to try contacting him?! I honestly don’t know how much I can take of her text messaging him and although he says he won’t message back, what if she just continues to push his buttons and makes him feel guilt that he politely responds to her. With every response, she will just gather a little bit more hope that maybe he will come around again and give her a second chance.

As we talked about this all tonight, he continuously apologized and said that he can’t control her actions or how she handles all this. He does accept fault for her behaving this way because of how up until 3 weeks ago he was still being cordial with her via text. He understands if I feel insecure and annoyed right now and he says I don’t deserve his ex girlfriend drama. He swears he won’t let this drama create a wedge in-between us.

I love Shawn. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I would marry him in a heartbeat but with this ex drama coming up every few weeks, I am afraid it might make me rethink all this. I don’t want his ex to ruin something that is so wonderful. I won’t give her that power to steal my happiness with him but I don’t know how to get over this either.

Well, last night I was curious about Josh. We’ve been broken up a little over 2 months now. So I went to check out his Facebook and there he was, proudly displaying the fact that he is in a relationship with a blond older woman. The first reaction I had was that I was hurt. Here I was in a relationship with him for 3 months and he never would display publicly that he was in a relationship with me and now he has probably only been with this woman a few weeks and he is flaunting it.

I suspect they won’t last because he is not giving himself any time to heal. He rebounded with me and I am sure he will rebound with her. She looks to be about 10-15 years older than him and she has a 1980′s haircut with bangs. Bangs?!?! Seriously?! I guess if he figures he doesn’t want kids, the ideal thing for him is to date someone in her 40′s who probably doesn’t want any more kids or can’t have kids anymore.

Anyhow, I shouldn’t have checked on him. It hurt for a brief moment. I quickly had to search in my mind for the reasons why he is not a good match like: he has a small penis, when we kiss we don’t mesh well (like two 13 yr old kissing for the first time), he dumped me via text message, he was talking to other women on POF while we first  started dating and the big one; he is emotionally unavailable.

I had to block him on Facebook so I couldn’t do this to myself once again. I really felt I was over him and moving on. I was in a good place and in a brief moment he just proved to me that i was right about him all along; he was ashamed of being with me. I wasn’t his type because I am latina and he prefers blonds with blue eyes.

I had been thinking of Josh my entire weekend. I fought the urge to message him through Facebook several times. It is the only way I can communicate with him right now since I deleted his email address and phone number. I fought the urge so many times at my PC this past weekend. Even yesterday I fought the urge in the morning but I don’t know what came over me. i broke down and messaged him a quick hi “Just wanted to say hi and see how you were” on facebook. He immediately responded and we exchanged friendly messages back and forth for the next 30 minutes. His final response to me on something was just one word; “Good”. So after that I decided to test him by not responding back. I wanted to see if he would try and carry on the conversation by asking me something….anything. He did not.

I guess what I was looking for in this last attempt to contact him was to see if he would give any kind of indication that he still cared for me. He did not give me any indication at all. It was a sad moment but it is also liberating because now I know, I really need to move on. He has not changed. He is still stubborn, full of pride and won’t give me what I was looking for which was an “I’m sorry”. *sigh* But I guess I got my nails on the coffin of this relationship. I know it is truly dead and not going to be revived…ever.

Sometimes we women can be so dumb sometimes.

The Notebook twittered something tonight that I love and needed to hear

“God designed ONE person special for you….just be patient until that person shows up in your life.”

I cannot believe it has been 4 weeks that my last relationship ended. I remember thinking about 2 days after the break up, “Can I please just jump to like 1 month later so it won’t hurt so much?” And here I am! And you know what…it doesn’t hurt so much. In fact, I have not cried over Josh or the situation in about 1 1/2 weeks now.

How To Move On After A Breakup

If you are recently going through a break-up then I’d like to share with you some quick things to do or think about to get past the break-up.

Have No Contact With Your Ex

This is the hardest step of them all but it is the most necessary too. If you contact your ex, then you end up begging, groveling and making a complete ass out of yourself; all the while your ex is soaking up all the ego stroking it gives him/her.  When you contact them, you make yourself an “option” readily available to them. Meaning they can go out and mess around and know that at the end of the day they can simply call or text you to “talk” and you’ll come running to them! Don’t give them that kind of control over you.

And as just mentioned do not respond to their efforts to contact you. Whether the break up was initiated by you or by your ex, do not respond to any messages. Take them off your Facebook, delete their number from your phone so you are not tempted to text/call.

Now some of you will feel this urge to have to have contact with him because you need “closure”. Don’t do it girl! No way! If you feel as though writing him one last email will really get something off your chest then I recommend you go out and buy a journal right this second. Write out to your heart’s content everything you want to say to your ex. The intent here is to vent and let it all out without ever actually letting your ex or ANYONE see that journal. Keep this journal in a safe spot.

Journaling was one of my best outlets. I took it a step further and not only used it to vent how I was feeling inside but I turned it into a prayer journal. I wrote each entry as though I was having a conversation with God. At first I wrote in it twice a day since I would wake up feeling depressed and right at bedtime I again would start crying as I thought of my ex. For the past week my entries rarely even mention my ex now. Now I use it to pray to God about the type of man I would like to have in my life and as a future spouse.

Get Rid Of Anything Your Ex Has Given You Or Reminds You Of Them

We are geared to have memories filled through our senses. So anything that you will see, hear or smell that will remind you of your ex and make things harder for you to move on, needs to be tossed out. Delete any photos of them on your phone or on your PC. Throw away any gifts that were given to you. If it was something expensive or that you wouldn’t feel right throwing away, give it to a friend. One time my girlfriend had broken up with her boyfriend and stopped by my house one day and presented me with a $75.00 bottle of perfume that her ex gave her for her birthday. She didn’t feel right throwing it away so she gave it to me to keep. (I just never wore it when I knew I would see her.)

Read Sayings And Proverbs To Help You Move Forward

If you are into Twitter, then I recommend you follow:

The Notebook

itzSoFluffy

Facts About Boys

These twitter accounts post some of the most inspirational sayings that comforted me and helped me look at the bright side of things. Here are some of my favorite tweets by them:

One day you’re going to realize I was the best thing that ever happened to you. On that day, it will be too late. -TheNotebook

Sometimes the person we want the most is the person we’re best without… -TheNotebook

God sometimes removes people from your life for a reason, if he wants out and leaves, don’t chase after him – FactsAboutBoys

Go for someone who is not only proud to have you, but will also take every risk to keep you. ♥ – itzSoFluffy

Take This Time To Reflect On Yourself

You should not place the blame on yourself for the relationship ending. Of course, the ending of a relationship ultimately takes 2 people. There was probably some things you did that didn’t make the relationship the easiest but you are not all to blame. The other party also caused the relationship to dwindle. But the best thing you can do is ask yourself “Ok what can I learn from this relationship?” It is even helpful to write this down. Perhaps your list will note things like:

• I demanded too much time
• I didn’t trust him
• Did I ignore earlier signs that this relationship wasn’t meant to be but ignored them?

Go down your list and see if you can change any of those things or if it is even possible. Basically you are taking an inventory of things that went wrong that could possibly help you prevent from making the same mistakes again.

Turn Over A New Leaf On Life

I was tempted to say keep yourself busy here but I find that by making ourselves too busy we think we are doing a good thing because it prevents us to not think about our ex. True, it may help to put the band-aid on the wound but eventually the band-aid loses it’s stickiness and will fall off and will expose the wound once again.

I definitely am not suggesting you stuff down your feelings or start dating right away in hopes of a new person making you feel good again so you can forget about your ex. In fact, I think the quite opposite is necessary right now. You need to step back and give yourself some time to grieve the end of the relationship so that you can move forward.

You should start doing things you’ve always wanted to do or had a special interest in doing prior to your relationship. Perhaps it’s volunteering at a soup kitchen, taking a drawing class or martial arts class. Take a cooking class or Zumba class!

You can get out of the house by joining social groups that involve hobbies such as biking,hiking, cooking, baking, gardening or even single parent groups on sites such as Meetup.com.

The number one thing I can guarantee that will make you feel good is to get in shape! Don’t lose weight and get in shape to rub it in your ex’s face like “See what you’re missing out on” but let that anger about the ending of the relationship fuel your gym sessions. Eventually you will get to the point where you don’t even think about your ex at the gym but you just become so in tune with your own body, how it feels to push yourself to exhaustion or how much stronger you feel after 2 weeks of weight training. Exercise truly is the best medicine when it comes to breakups.

I was just starting to get back into the gym with my ex. In fact, he bought my gym membership and paid the initiation fee. So 2 days after the breakup I went down to my gym and transferred my account off of his joint account and made it my own. I didn’t want to depend on him for anything! Even though he told me not to worry about my gym membership that it was a gift and he planned on paying my membership still. Since the breakup, I have worked out 6 days a week and I haven’t felt this good about my physical fitness in my life! I am getting more of the regulars checking me out at the gym and even the new guys. I feel like I am exuding self-confidence (which is definitely something I was lacking with Josh.) I am doing a 12 week lean body challenge that is free! All you need is a gym membership.

As some of you have read from my last post, I discovered the main reason why it seemed impossible for me to break away from Josh was due to soul ties. I read up on soul ties and one of the main steps for breaking the soul tie is to get rid of anything that was given as a gift or even things that will remind you of them. Well, I had removed photos of us off Facebook and placed them in a folder on my computer. I had also removed his # from my phone but wrote it down on a notepad file and filed it in the folder with the photos.

Today I met with my aunt and we took a walk and just talked about things God had revealed to me over the past week. I had told her that I had gotten rid of everything except that folder on my PC which had photos and had the phone number on a notepad file. She said “Yea but isn’t that still holding onto the things from Josh then?” I stopped to think about it and she was right. She asked me “Why are you hesitant to throw away those photos and that number?”

I said “I explained I wanted to keep his number in case I ever needed to really contact him about something. But come to think of it, I think it’s because once I throw away those things then I know he is really gone out of my life forever. He is erased.”

She said “Do you doubt God? Do you think God isn’t big enough to make a way to have you and Josh come into contact if He wanted you too?”

I smiled at her because I knew she was right. “No. I believe God can do anything”.

“Then maybe you should just trust that God will make the way if he wants to. Besides he probably hasn’t deleted your number from his phone, right?”, she asked.

“Yeah, more than likely he hasn’t because he is probably wanting it there for a caller ID purpose to see if it’s me calling”, I responded.

“You gotta just trust God. He knows what’s best for you. Let him have total control over your life. You did say you were giving total control over to God, right?”, she asked.

“Yes”, I said reluctantly.

“Then pray and think about deleting those things.”

She then went on to share a story how God had told her to get rid of stuff an ex boyfriend had given her that she had held onto for years in her marriage. Even though she had never been physical with that boyfriend, she was still cherishing things of the past. So when God told her to get rid of those things, she burned them and threw the stuff out and felt as though God was telling her she can now be free to love her husband 100%.

So I did it. I erased the Josh folder. I am stepping out on faith. My life is totally in God’s hands. If God should have Josh and I to speak again, then God will have to make the way.

The past 2 weeks has been rough. I am not going to lie or bottle up my feelings. In fact, it’s been down right painful. But through this pain, I have learned so many things about myself in the past 1 1/2 weeks from my break up with Josh.

Never Put A Man Before God

Firstly, I learned that I had made Josh be my “god”. I had put him up on a pedastool and he had become my reason to breathe each and every day, even when it was obvious he did not reciprocate the same way towards me. The bible says in 2 Corinthians 11:2 “I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy. I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as a pure virgin to him.” So, I am pretty sure God was jealous of the time and devotion I was giving to my relationship with Josh. Even though I was trying to do my best to balance my quiet time, bible studies and be with Josh it simply wasn’t enough. What’s worse is that I was living in sin with Josh. Yes, I am aware not all of my readers share this view or my beliefs and that’s fine. I am just saying how I feel and what I believe in.

What Was The Real Reason Why Things Went Sour

Josh’s faults: I finally saw the light and I have fully accepted the fact that I was a rebound for Josh. Josh had only been legally divorced for one month when he met me. He is still hurting over his marriage of 15 years ending, mad as hell that his ex cheated on him and has now moved on to live with her boyfriend and even more angrier that his ex was granted a move out of state and took the kids with her. Clearly Josh is not ready for a relationship or to accept that I could have loved him so much.

Josh told me what I wanted to hear to keep me on his little string. First, he told me the night we met that he wanted kids and then during his TOS week 3 weeks later he states he is unsure if he wants kids.

Josh wanted an instant family to fill his loneliness so he was constantly pressuring me to move in even though he knows it goes against God’s Word.

Josh also didn’t allow me to express emotion. When I got emotional and would cry he could not comfort me or he just wouldn’t. He would often sit there staring at me from across the table or the room. The first time I got really upset with him, I never raised my voice or yelled but he still didn’t like my “tone of voice”.

Josh doesn’t trust me. So, he would not confide in me very much. Trying to read him is impossible and trying to have a discussion with him is hard too.

My faults: I never trusted him. The night that I discovered him still active on POF, I just never truly trusted him to be faithful. If he had lied about all of that, what else could he have lied about?? The nail on the coffin mistake was that I drove to his house the night before we broke up out of fear that he was with another woman.

I expected too much of him. I expected him to see me every free night that he had.

I wanted to know we had a future together, so I kept poking at him to decide one way or another on the having kids issue.

My Emotional Baggage

Probably one of the biggest things I’ve learned through this whole short relationship was that I was still carrying around baggage from my childhood and my marriage/relationship with my ex husband. Here I have been divorced for 5 years and thought that was enough time to work on myself and clean out the baggage and yet it was hidden all along.

I have discovered I still have trust issues with men, regarding them to be faithful.

I also discovered that Josh not once told me I was beautiful. This made me feel insecure about my looks in the relationship. Like he somehow thought he maybe was too good-looking for me and that’s why he could never push down his pride to tell me I was beautiful. Josh also had made a remark about liking my hair straightened so I often felt insecure the days I saw him with curly hair.

I have always had a poor body image that I never dealt with. When I lost a lot of weight in my marriage, my ex husband couldn’t keep his hands off of me. So, I felt this overwhelming pressure to be thin or he wouldn’t love me. When he cheated on me and left the marriage I was heavy again from having my son. Josh also said something 1 month into the relationship about how he prefers thinner women. Granted, I am not obese but I am thick (30 lbs over weight).

I never have gotten over the fact that I felt abandoned/rejected by my ex husband and now I felt that all over again with Josh.

Josh wasn’t “The One”

For a time there, I really felt like Josh was the one for me but now I know he is not. If he was, he never would have gave up on me so easily. After all, this was our very first conflict and Josh wanted to have no discussion about it. He just ended the relationship via text message and was going to dump my belongings on his porch without saying goodbye.

Josh had no conviction about pre-marital sex or moving in before marriage. The type of Christian man I am looking for would have had those convictions and would have supported me when I came to him telling him I was feeling horrible about it all.

So what now? Obviously I am not in the position to date anyone because I am still in love with Josh. Right now I am just doing my best to make God my first love and praying that he help me work through this break-up. I’m reading a book called Life’s Healing Choices: Freedom from Your Hurts, Hang-ups, and Habits and it was given to me by my aunt several weeks ago when I had told her what Josh and I were dealing with regarding a 15 yr marriage on his side and my marriage to my ex. It’s suppose to help you work through your baggage so that you can heal and be healthy in any relationship.

I am also working on having a better body image. If I’m unhappy with my body then it’s time for a serious change. I joined Weight Watchers back in January and I have already lost 13 lbs. I am working out at the gym 5 days a week; which ironically Josh bought my membership for last month and even told me 2 days ago when he stopped by to get his stuff that I could continue to go and he’d pay for it. I don’t see myself meeting anyone for awhile til God can work out all my “baggage” but in the meantime I wanna feel sexy and secure in my body so I can rock my future husband’s world!

Another thing I am doing is giving God control over my dating life. Huh?? I mean TOTAL control. All of these 5 years that I have been single, I have been relying on dating sites to help me find my future husband instead of relaying and trusting in God to do HIS will and plan for my life. Last night I read an interesting post on online dating from a Christian point of view and it confirmed what I was feeling. So last night I deleted my POF profile, Evow and my Okcupid profiles. I am ready to give God the pen write my love story!

I called Mario again this morning to tell him that I had woken up to see that Josh had unlinked me from his facebook relationship status but that he still had me as a friend. Mario said “F- that! Unfriend him now! He doesn’t need to see what you’re up to”.

Me: But Mario, he was so perfect. Except for the few things. he really was perfect.

Mario: But he wasn’t perfect. Think of the things that you didn’t like about him.

Me: Ok so the fact that he is unemotional bothered me.

Mario: Uh huh and?

Me: And that he doesn’t respect his mom

Mario: Red flag right there! If he can’t respect his mom, he can’t respect you.

Me: I know. (sighs)

So after speaking with Mario, I have decided to make a good and bad list of qualities in Josh. That way “should” he decide to try and get back together, i can be reminded of these things.

So first here are the good things I love about him:

- He would make a great step-dad to my son
- He is ambitious and a go-getter
- He’s a gentleman, opens the car door for me, always made sure I was warm, made me coffee every morning I was at his place
- He was kind to strangers
- He is close to his sister, dad, brother and nephews
- He is a good listener
- He does his best to provide
- He is not selfish
- He’s supportive and gives good advice
- He is the best cuddler I’ve ever been with
- he is extrememly independent

Now the bad things:
- He is stubborn
- He did lie to me and say he was not messaging any women on the dating site we met on while we first dated when I caught him red-handed
- He is unemotional and detached
- He is glued to his cellphone and will text and email while out with me having dinner or while driving
- He flees the scene at the first sign of me being upset or if there is going to be conflict
- Although I am 100% physically attracted to him and desire him sexually the overall sexual chemistry is amiss. Basically our sex life is mediocre and kissing him is still really awkward; like 2 thirteen year olds kissing for the first time
- He suddenly doesn’t know if he wants kids even though he told me the first week we dated he in fact wanted kids
- He is slow to release information to me (he’s very private and guarded)
- He broke up with me via text message (pretty heartless)
- He was going to leave my things on the doorstep without bothering to say one last goodbye (heartless again)
- He thinks I have no business knowing where he is at any given time
- He is not the Christian man I once thought he was, i.e. to be head of the household, to encourage my spiritual growth, instead he was insisting I move in with him (which as a Christian he should not be suggesting before marriage) and when I spoke to him about the guilt I had about having sex with him he basically dismissed the idea of stopping
- If he could end the relationship so abruptly and without forgiveness in our first conflict, he is not the man for me

That last one on the bad list should be an eye opener for me! I honestly don’t expect him to want to get back together with me. In fact, because I know he was able to cut off contact with his mother for 2 years, I am pretty certain he won’t bother trying to contact me again. But should he, then I want to be reminded of these lists.

I think all women who break up should have a good and bad list. It not only helps you get over your ex faster but it also helps you see what qualities you liked about a person and which you hate. That way as you experience new relationships you can look for those same things or red flags.

Well it’s over between my Aquarius man and myself. I know many of you saw this coming and warned me about it awhile ago. I did act a bit crazy and I actually drove by his house last night at 11:00pm, hoping to catch him coming home soon to talk. But then my friend Mario told me to leave before things got really bad and that I was in stalker mode. So I went home and balled my eyes out until I fell asleep at about 2 am. I woke up at 5am and couldn’t sleep. So I drove out to Josh’s and called him at 6:00am saying I was down the street and really needed to talk to him.

The conversation was not good at all. I was bitching about how upset I was that he doesn’t communicate with me and he was upset that I questioned his whereabouts. It was time for him to leave for work just an hour later so our conversation was short. A few hours later I received the break up text message.

Josh: I’ve been thinking a lot this morning and I think its best if we go our separate ways. I’ll be at my sister’s after work tonight and you can come and get your things. I just can’t give you what you need or what you want.

I had then responded with: All I want is you. I would still like to talk but would prefer at your place.

Josh: I have made up my mind. I’ll be at my sister’s.

I balled my eyes out and called my friend Mario again. Mario keeps saying “He’ll come back. I beat my paycheck on it. If he says he really loves you and that he meant it, he’ll come back.”

Mario advised that I need to let Josh sort things out. Give him time and lay low. He said “Make him wonder about you. Text him back saying you can’t make it tonight.”

So my final text message was: I can’t make it tonight. Another day

Josh: Ok

Mario swears that since he is a dude and he knows men, that Josh will be curious about me in a few days and will either call or text me. In the meantime he said “burn off some time in the gym.”

I said “but I workout in the morning”.

Mario said “Good, then you’ll burn twice as many calories. Go in the morning and then go in the evening to really kill it! Trust me, he will notice how good you look. My girl did that to me when we broke up.”

I just don’t know if this relationship is really worth fighting for. I know I have never loved a man like I love him but at the same time, the fact that he broke up with me via text and how he can’t communicate with me well is enough to kill it for me. He hasn’t been making me feel like a priority and he should be right now since we are still in the courtship days.

I am still heartbroken none the less and I haven’t changed my Facebook status. Mario advises to leave that shit alone and to stay off of Facebook for the next few weeks to make him even more curious about how I am doing.

I ask of you; my fellow readers this simple question. Is it creepy to date someone with the same name as your ex? I decided to renew my membership at Match.com after a 2 year hiatus just because I got a discount off a 3 month subscription and I have definitely come to the conclusion from trying out free sites that pay sites are going to have men that are serious about finding love. No man is going to pay a monthly membership just to try and get some cheap sexy phone talk out of it. So if they are paying a monthly fee, you can guarantee they aren’t messing around.

Anyhow, lastnight a man named Lance contacted me. When I first saw his username which had “Lance” included in part of it, my first thought was “you’ve got to be kidding?!”. But he wasn’t and his name really is Lance. I actually am not concerned about what other people would think if we actually dated but I am concerned on how he would take it. Its pretty unusual to end up with someone that has the same name and especially that name. I have never met another Lance (although 3 yrs ago a Lance contacted me on a dating site and I quickly dismissed the idea because of his name).

This time I am not turned off by the idea that he has the same name because he seems to have so many qualities that I am drawn to. He seems real honest and kind. He looks nothing like my ex either. He is taller, blond with blue eyes and 2 years younger. So its not like I would be concerned with people thinking “Oh she’s just trying to get another Lance”. Did I actually just think and say that outloud? That’s crazy!

I called my two closest male friends today and spoke with another on IM about it. 2 out of the 3 think it is a total turn off and the other one says it would make no difference to him (his name is common though so it is likely to happen to him). 1 of them was totally against it and does not want me to even pursue him and to just move on because he thinks its really bad “ju-ju”. The two other men think I do need to tell him as soon as possible and feel it is best to do so in person so I can see his reaction. I agree that I should tell him in person. I am not sure if this is first date talk appropriate or not. But I wouldn’t hide it. I figure if we meet first adn then i tell him, perhaps chemistry will win him over versus something like this.

So…what do you think about this?