Well, there was no break up as I had suspected there may have been initially. Josh was extremely confusing and vague over the phone that one night and I am glad we were able to talk about things face to face.
I walked in the door and he just held me for about 2 minutes long. I then looked up at his face and he kissed me. he had told me that he was lounging in his room and that we could go in there because it was warmer. I entered his room and noticed he had set up his new tv at the foot of his bed so that he could comfortably watch tv while in bed.
He laid on his bed and I took my normal spot next to him laying face to face. There was the awkward silence and Josh wasn’t even looking at me as I laid there. About 30 seconds passed and then Josh looked up at me.
“I want to understand what it is you are saying and where this is going”.
“Well, I pretty much said everything I wanted to say about everything on the phone”.
“Well, I just want to be crystal clear. I want it in black and white with no gray”.
Josh snickered.
“Well basically, I just think we moved too quickly. I just want us to slow down.”
“Ok. Do you still want to be with me?”
“Yes.”
“Are you still called ‘My boyfriend’?”
“Yes.”
“When did you start feeling this way?”
“A few nights ago.”
“When were you planning on talking to me about this?”
Josh just shrugged his shoulders.
“Were you never going to talk to me about it?”
“I dunno. You just seemed so happy. I didn’t want to ruin it.”
Josh went on to explain that he just felt that once he returned to school next week and started working in the evenings then he would have no time for me at all. I told him not to worry about the time thing. I will be understanding of it. I’ll just have to reserve one night a weekend where I get him to myself.
Josh also explained how he feared that my son may end up wanting to spend so much time with him that he will want him to replace his dad. I explained to him that would never happen. No matter how much my son adores Josh, Josh could never replace his father and he knows that too.
The next thing Josh brought up was that he said he was in by no means able to support another family. I told him that I wasn’t looking for him to support me. He said “I know but I would feel obligated to. It’s just who I am.”
I just comforted Josh by telling him let’s not worry about all of this and just take things slow. If its meant to be, then God will work it out and if its not then it won’t work out.
Then came the real doozy. “Well, and I know you want kids and honestly, I don’t know if I want anymore kids. Until I know what’s going on with my own children and my visitation, I just don’t know about having more.”
I said “Well, I understand that but the past few weeks you’ve been saying yes you wanted more kids. If you say you don’t want kids then I am out the door right now.”
“If you asked me right now then I would have to say no.”
I pretended to make for the door but then stopped and told him. Well, I know you were saying something different just a few weeks ago and I am willing to see how you feel about that in a few month’s time but if you still feel the same then, then I will have to let you go then.”
The next point of the conversation led to Josh saying “I just want to make sure that we are the people that each other expects and wants. I can’t go through another divorce. My heart couldn’t take it.”
“I know hun. Mine either. I have no doubt about you. You are what I want.”
Josh just shoots me a half-hearted smile but didn’t say anything.
“Am I who you want?”
“Well, right now you are.” Josh begins to chuckle, “But I dunno maybe in 6 months you won’t be”.
“Oh, I see how it is. You think something ugly is gonna rear its head in 6 months??” I say jokingly.
Josh laughs. “Maybe.”
Last on the topics of discussion was the slowing down of meeting the parents and spending time with them. Which I understood and was fine with.
“I’m hard to live with,” he said as he peeked at me with the corner of his eye.
“Oh yea”, I said.
“Mhmm. I just like things done a certain way.”
“Are you gonna snap at me if something is not done your way?”
“I wouldn’t say snap. I would just fix it.”
“But what then, do you just explode at me one day because its building up?”
“No, I’ll just fix it and then tell you later.”
“Aren’t you glad I didn’t move in like you had asked me to?”
“No, I would have just dealt with it.”
“Dealt with it? That’s a pretty big decision.”
For fun, I had decided to tell Josh I knew the dirty little secrets of his personality. “Oh yea?” he asked intrigued.
“Mmhmm. You are stubborn as you have already said but I read up on Aquarius and how to date an aquarius. Let’s see, you are witty, clever, a humanitarian, inventive and original. You are also stubborn, unemotional, sarcastic, rebellious and aloof.”
“Mhmmm”, he said as he began to playfully kiss my neck.
“You don’t like jealousy.”
“Nope!”
“But you are faithful so I don’t need to worry about being jealous.”
I continued to read more about his zodiac personality then mine and it gave us both a good laugh or two.
Josh and I spent the night together and probably had one of the most amazing love making sessions we have had yet. We slept so soundly and then woke up early to another “love session” and then got up and got ready for the day. We were going to have to embark a 3 hours drive to pick up my son from his father’s home and this was the first time Josh would be coming with me on the little road trip. We stopped and had lunch before we headed out of town and then we hit the road. Josh drove the entire way and we just held hands and made our silly goo-goo eyes contact as usually.
Once we picked up my son we went to dinner all together at my favorite Italian restaurant in town. The entire dining experience was romantic. Even though my son was sitting across from us at the table and even though the restaurant was jammed packed with tables full all around us and the noise volume form conversations to match the crowd capacity; it still felt like Josh and I were the only two people there.
Josh knows how much I love bread and he served me bread immediately upon its arrival and all through dinner as we joked and smiled back and forth I continued to have butterflies the entire time. Josh and I would steal a kiss between bites and even the tiramisu dessert was incredibly romantic. Josh fed the cherry to me and fed me two bites form his fork as well. I was getting really full and Josh would still try and feed me a bite so then we started playing a game and I would struggle to dodge his fork.
On the ride home, Josh would grab my hand and kiss my fingers.
When we arrived at my home to drop off my son so I could take Josh back to his place, he offered to carry my sleepy son in the house. I told him it was ok, that I usually just wake him and he walks in but Josh wouldn’t have it. He picked up my sleepy 8 year old and carried him inside.
I can’t help but fall for this man. He gets the best of me.
I just hate how some days it feels as though he is really into me and some days he doesn’t act like he misses me at all. I can’t stand hot or cold. I deserve hot!
