The past 2 weeks has been rough. I am not going to lie or bottle up my feelings. In fact, it’s been down right painful. But through this pain, I have learned so many things about myself in the past 1 1/2 weeks from my break up with Josh.
Never Put A Man Before God
Firstly, I learned that I had made Josh be my “god”. I had put him up on a pedastool and he had become my reason to breathe each and every day, even when it was obvious he did not reciprocate the same way towards me. The bible says in 2 Corinthians 11:2 “I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy. I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as a pure virgin to him.” So, I am pretty sure God was jealous of the time and devotion I was giving to my relationship with Josh. Even though I was trying to do my best to balance my quiet time, bible studies and be with Josh it simply wasn’t enough. What’s worse is that I was living in sin with Josh. Yes, I am aware not all of my readers share this view or my beliefs and that’s fine. I am just saying how I feel and what I believe in.
What Was The Real Reason Why Things Went Sour
Josh’s faults: I finally saw the light and I have fully accepted the fact that I was a rebound for Josh. Josh had only been legally divorced for one month when he met me. He is still hurting over his marriage of 15 years ending, mad as hell that his ex cheated on him and has now moved on to live with her boyfriend and even more angrier that his ex was granted a move out of state and took the kids with her. Clearly Josh is not ready for a relationship or to accept that I could have loved him so much.
Josh told me what I wanted to hear to keep me on his little string. First, he told me the night we met that he wanted kids and then during his TOS week 3 weeks later he states he is unsure if he wants kids.
Josh wanted an instant family to fill his loneliness so he was constantly pressuring me to move in even though he knows it goes against God’s Word.
Josh also didn’t allow me to express emotion. When I got emotional and would cry he could not comfort me or he just wouldn’t. He would often sit there staring at me from across the table or the room. The first time I got really upset with him, I never raised my voice or yelled but he still didn’t like my “tone of voice”.
Josh doesn’t trust me. So, he would not confide in me very much. Trying to read him is impossible and trying to have a discussion with him is hard too.
My faults: I never trusted him. The night that I discovered him still active on POF, I just never truly trusted him to be faithful. If he had lied about all of that, what else could he have lied about?? The nail on the coffin mistake was that I drove to his house the night before we broke up out of fear that he was with another woman.
I expected too much of him. I expected him to see me every free night that he had.
I wanted to know we had a future together, so I kept poking at him to decide one way or another on the having kids issue.
My Emotional Baggage
Probably one of the biggest things I’ve learned through this whole short relationship was that I was still carrying around baggage from my childhood and my marriage/relationship with my ex husband. Here I have been divorced for 5 years and thought that was enough time to work on myself and clean out the baggage and yet it was hidden all along.
I have discovered I still have trust issues with men, regarding them to be faithful.
I also discovered that Josh not once told me I was beautiful. This made me feel insecure about my looks in the relationship. Like he somehow thought he maybe was too good-looking for me and that’s why he could never push down his pride to tell me I was beautiful. Josh also had made a remark about liking my hair straightened so I often felt insecure the days I saw him with curly hair.
I have always had a poor body image that I never dealt with. When I lost a lot of weight in my marriage, my ex husband couldn’t keep his hands off of me. So, I felt this overwhelming pressure to be thin or he wouldn’t love me. When he cheated on me and left the marriage I was heavy again from having my son. Josh also said something 1 month into the relationship about how he prefers thinner women. Granted, I am not obese but I am thick (30 lbs over weight).
I never have gotten over the fact that I felt abandoned/rejected by my ex husband and now I felt that all over again with Josh.
Josh wasn’t “The One”
For a time there, I really felt like Josh was the one for me but now I know he is not. If he was, he never would have gave up on me so easily. After all, this was our very first conflict and Josh wanted to have no discussion about it. He just ended the relationship via text message and was going to dump my belongings on his porch without saying goodbye.
Josh had no conviction about pre-marital sex or moving in before marriage. The type of Christian man I am looking for would have had those convictions and would have supported me when I came to him telling him I was feeling horrible about it all.
So what now? Obviously I am not in the position to date anyone because I am still in love with Josh. Right now I am just doing my best to make God my first love and praying that he help me work through this break-up. I’m reading a book called Life’s Healing Choices: Freedom from Your Hurts, Hang-ups, and Habits
I am also working on having a better body image. If I’m unhappy with my body then it’s time for a serious change. I joined Weight Watchers back in January and I have already lost 13 lbs. I am working out at the gym 5 days a week; which ironically Josh bought my membership for last month and even told me 2 days ago when he stopped by to get his stuff that I could continue to go and he’d pay for it. I don’t see myself meeting anyone for awhile til God can work out all my “baggage” but in the meantime I wanna feel sexy and secure in my body so I can rock my future husband’s world! 
Another thing I am doing is giving God control over my dating life. Huh?? I mean TOTAL control. All of these 5 years that I have been single, I have been relying on dating sites to help me find my future husband instead of relaying and trusting in God to do HIS will and plan for my life. Last night I read an interesting post on online dating from a Christian point of view and it confirmed what I was feeling. So last night I deleted my POF profile, Evow and my Okcupid profiles. I am ready to give God the pen write my love story!
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi,
From your post i see that you’ve finally realized that your worth much more than you were giving yourself credit for. You are made in Gods image, which makes you perfect! Besides, im sure that the people in your life who really love you (son, friends and parents) love you for who you really are. Dont rely on a man’s love to define your worth. I will never do that again!
Hi Ruby,
I have learned my self-worth but it’s still hard. I still fantasize that he will call me and say “can we talk” and then he suddenly realize all the mistakes he did and be eager to work this out. I know it is totally wishful thinking though because there are more signs that he was not the one God intended for me than the signs I saw that he was the right one.